photo credit: Koshyk

As you are wont to do when you are young, I had been traveling across thousands of miles of Alaska by thumb and by foot. Near the end of my journey, I came to a small town in the middle a majestic nowhere. I had been eating quite simply for weeks but was starting to crave the foods of my native California. While resting on the porch of the only store in town, I struck up a conversation with an old man who had been traveling by bike. He offered me his last orange as a gift, the first fresh fruit I had eaten in almost a month. I savored each bite, both for its sweetness and for the graciousness of the gift for a young man traveling far from home. Somehow, the best that is our humanity was captured in that moment as two people who had never met and would likely never do so again connected for a brief time. As he rode off, I was struck by the simplicity of the gift yet the profundity of the experience.

Creating moments of meaning

The title for this month’s post came from close friend in high school (here’s to you CW) if I recall. I thought of it again in light of this story as a way to illustrate how the ordinary can become the extraordinary. It reminds me of a principle of narrative coaching: to generate powerful experiences with clients to help them move toward the not-yet-known rather than to gather information in order to move them toward the known. When we create ‘moments’ of meaning’ for our clients that which was unknown becomes known in ways that can be quite eye-opening and empowering. For example, I didn’t realize how much I was ready to head for home until I took the first bite of that well-traveled and juicy orange. Even more, I’ve never forgot that simple, yet timely gesture.

My invitation to you is to find someone today — a client, a colleague, a loved one— who needs an ‘orange’ from you. Amid the din and rush of our days, give this person a few moments where they feel ‘met’ and cared for. It is those experiences, where the unknown skies open, that will bring about the insight and inspiration we all need. It is about grace more than about goals. If each of us gave a few more ‘oranges’ and allowed ourselves to receive them more easily, imagine what a difference it would make!

photo credit: drumrick

As Tina Turner asks in her marvelous ballad, “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” Along with Faith and Hope, Love serves as a third pillar for sustaining us through difficult times. As organizations and individuals contend with both the deep unknown and the daunting certainties around us, there is a strong need to return to the basics of what it means to be fully human. To do so, coaching needs to move beyond its early days when money flowed and ‘abundance’ was all the rage. Now comes the harder work of rebuilding institutions and preparing people for a future that is approaching rapidly—often with less time and less resources at hand. As with the other two pillars, Love is not a panacea but rather a fierce commitment to candor, compassion, and connection.

In teaching coaching skills to thousands of leaders, managers and professionals around the world, I am repeatedly reminding them and rediscovering for myself how the simple act of holding the other person in a non-judgmental, curious and fully attentive way is often a large part of the catalyst for change. As the Tibetan teacher Govinda observed, “It is not the audible word through which people are converted and transformed in their innermost being, but through that which goes beyond words and flows directly from [our] presence: the inaudible mantric sound that emanates from his (sic) heart.” As part of being present in this way, I see myself as a steward for the stories of others. Even though we are awash in information, options and methods, both research and ancient wisdom point to the healing value of the relationship itself.

Three ways to bring more Love into your work

If Faith is remembering why you are doing what you are doing and Hope is the foundation we need to stay the course, Love is how we make the journey. As such, here are three tips for you this week:

1. As Peter Drucker noted, “Your first task as a leader is to take charge of your own energy and then to orchestrate the energy of those around you.” You can only serve others through your work if you practice sufficient care for yourself. Give yourself an act of kindness today, random or not.
2. Recognize that every conversation is an opportunity to use your coaching skills to engage the other person in a transformative manner. Ask yourself, “How can I expand my mind and my heart in order to be more present (and open up more possibilities) right now?” 
3. Beyond our personal expressions, we can also embed Love in how we do business. One client crafted a vision for their coaching culture to include commitments that (1) anyone who is laid off will leave feeling good about themselves (to the best of our abilities) and (2) we will use such occasions to learn about ourselves and be willing to change as a result. 

Where can you bring more Love into your work? To whom do you need to be more present (including yourself)?

photo credit: Aidan M. Grey

I was away last weekend in the mountains of New Mexico for a New Warriors Weekend sponsored by the ManKind Project. It truly was a transformative experience for me both personally and professionally. I would highly recommend it to any man who wants to honestly engage his deeper masculinity and his submerged shadows in order to take both his life and his service to a higher level. The world needs us to be more awake and alive. I was privileged to be a man among men who are committed to that journey.

Where are you holding on?

The thought for today’s post came while I was holding a pine cone while out on a brief walk as part of the experience. I flashed back to a time when I was holding a similar pine cone. I was standing on the western coast of Italy in 1999 overlooking the ocean near the town of Portofino. I had received news the night before that my father had died back in California. I had been led by Spirit to find this spot in order to say good-bye to my dear father since I would not make it back there for a few days. I arrived there just as the sun was setting and in a place that reminded me of the coast of northern California where we had grown up. I’ve held on to that pine cone, both literally and figuratively, as a link to my dad and a memory of that place ever since then.

Where can you now let go?

While I’ve always held the pine cone as a symbol of new life, its meaning shifted for me in the context of the recent weekend. Standing in the high desert mountains, I came to realize that the pine cone’s true purpose is to “die” and fall to the ground so that new trees can be born. It was no longer of service to my father or myself to act as a guardian of the sacred cone. Rather, my choice now is to release it so that its mission can be accomplished. As part of this process, I released another huge layer of my own illusions of immortality in order to turn more of my attention to the “trees” I want to leave behind.

Pine cones need to fall to the ground. In honoring this truth, I was able to leave the weekend much lighter and committed to doing the work that needs to be done. I invite you to identify the “pine cones” you carry for others — and the stories you keep telling yourself in order to keep them in place. Let me fall to the ground so they can fulfill their purpose in the world and you can more passionately and completely fulfill yours. Nothing grows from seeds you hold.

David

On a recent flight back to the U.S. from Sydney, I took the occasion to watch a documentary on “The Apology”. On February 13, 2008, the prime minister (Kevin Rudd) and other leaders from the Australian government offered a written and oral apology to the indigenous populations of that land. While the issues involved are rife with complexities, I was moved by the simple, public statement of “We’re Sorry.” It seemed like an important step for that country in moving forward as a true multicultural society. It reminded me how far we have to go here in the U.S. Perhaps a victory by Obama in the upcoming elections will signal a change here.

As I reflected on the movie, I thought about the nature and power of stories to affect change. Upon returning home, I happened to glance at an alter of sacred objects in my office—upon which sat a jar of lavender oil from France. It was a gift from a colleague who attended a workshop on narrative coaching I did for an international coaching conference in Melbourne last year. Feeling a bit fatigued in the midst of a long work trip in Australia, she offered me this precious gift as a source of renewal. I was moved by the gesture, this gift of comfort and grace.

Sometimes, we are called to begin a new Story of great significance. Mostly, however, we are asked to mindfully contribute in small ways to the smaller stories we encounter in each moment. In giving me the small bottle of lavender I gained solace that another person cared enough to part with this special gift and from the deeply relaxing fragrance of the lavender itself. So much of narrative coaching is about showing up fully to another person and opening up the possibilities of a new story.

Take a chance today—plant a seed for a new Story through an act of forgiveness, compassion, or insight.