photo credit: Andreas Øverland

What does this simple photo evoke in you?

Among other things, it reminds me of how much of our daily life is a screen onto which we project our narrative frames. Does the photo stir excitement in imagining what you might find if you climbed the stairs? Does it stir a sense of foreboding as you imagine what might come down the stairs? Or something else altogether? I’ve been vividly reminded in recent weeks of the impact of our choices in how we construct our views of people, places and events. Even though we know that this story-making is central to how our individual and collective minds work, it is not always an easy task.

I’ve come to believe, however, that the art and discipline of noticing our stories as they emerge in the moment is at the core of narrative coaching and of being more fully human. This is particularly important when we feel ensnared in events that are challenging for us. With a tip of the hat to Irving Yalom and Byron Katie, in these times I ask myself questions like, “What is the ‘story’ I am telling myself? How is that ‘story’ serving me? What do I need to release so that I can see the situation with a bigger heart and a bigger mind? What would I gain if I did so?

Waking up in a New Year

As I look out across a new year, I am reminded of a quote from the famous photographer, the late Henri Cartier-Bresson. While in Vienna recently for some holiday and lining up two projects there for later this year, I had the unexpected pleasure of seeing a major exhibit of his work as well as another of my favorites, René Magritte. Each of these artists was gifted in helping us to question how we see the world. As Cartier-Bresson wrote in 1994, “My passion has never been for photography in itself, but for the possibility—through forgetting myself—of recording in a fraction of a second the emotion of the subject and the beauty of the form, the geometry awakened by what is offered.” He describes it as a ‘decisive moment’ when the head, heart and eye are aligned along the same line of sight.

Beauty is indeed in the eye of the beholder. As you make your way into a new year, spend five minutes right now reflecting on a story you’ve recently told yourself (and perhaps others) that now feels limiting to you.

1. Where is there an opening to release your ‘narrative grip’ to make room for new possibilities?
2. What part of the story needs to be released, like a drop back into the ocean?
3. What other part of the story wants to be told?
4. What space would open up in your heart, mind and life if you shifted your frame?

Resolutions in the new year are less about grand promises and more about the daily practices of increasing our awareness and our courage in the stories we choose to tell. Every moment can be a decisive one. Peace to each of us on our journey…

photo credit: drumrick

As Tina Turner asks in her marvelous ballad, “What’s Love Got To Do With It?” Along with Faith and Hope, Love serves as a third pillar for sustaining us through difficult times. As organizations and individuals contend with both the deep unknown and the daunting certainties around us, there is a strong need to return to the basics of what it means to be fully human. To do so, coaching needs to move beyond its early days when money flowed and ‘abundance’ was all the rage. Now comes the harder work of rebuilding institutions and preparing people for a future that is approaching rapidly—often with less time and less resources at hand. As with the other two pillars, Love is not a panacea but rather a fierce commitment to candor, compassion, and connection.

In teaching coaching skills to thousands of leaders, managers and professionals around the world, I am repeatedly reminding them and rediscovering for myself how the simple act of holding the other person in a non-judgmental, curious and fully attentive way is often a large part of the catalyst for change. As the Tibetan teacher Govinda observed, “It is not the audible word through which people are converted and transformed in their innermost being, but through that which goes beyond words and flows directly from [our] presence: the inaudible mantric sound that emanates from his (sic) heart.” As part of being present in this way, I see myself as a steward for the stories of others. Even though we are awash in information, options and methods, both research and ancient wisdom point to the healing value of the relationship itself.

Three ways to bring more Love into your work

If Faith is remembering why you are doing what you are doing and Hope is the foundation we need to stay the course, Love is how we make the journey. As such, here are three tips for you this week:

1. As Peter Drucker noted, “Your first task as a leader is to take charge of your own energy and then to orchestrate the energy of those around you.” You can only serve others through your work if you practice sufficient care for yourself. Give yourself an act of kindness today, random or not.
2. Recognize that every conversation is an opportunity to use your coaching skills to engage the other person in a transformative manner. Ask yourself, “How can I expand my mind and my heart in order to be more present (and open up more possibilities) right now?” 
3. Beyond our personal expressions, we can also embed Love in how we do business. One client crafted a vision for their coaching culture to include commitments that (1) anyone who is laid off will leave feeling good about themselves (to the best of our abilities) and (2) we will use such occasions to learn about ourselves and be willing to change as a result. 

Where can you bring more Love into your work? To whom do you need to be more present (including yourself)?

photo credit: JasonRogers
It is the call the parent of a teenager dreads. The policeman phoned at 2:30 in the morning to tell a single mother that her daughter was at the police station. She had been picked up in the wake of a wild party. Relieved that her daughter was not hurt, the mother’s attention quickly turned to her disappointment and anger. The two of them had been fighting for weeks and now the daughter had broken both the agreement with her mom and the curfew of the town.

The mother hurriedly gathered her things, stormed out of the house, cursing her daughter for the embarrassment this would cause the family when the news appeared in their small-town paper the next day. As she drove to the station, silently praying that none of her neighbors would see her, she vented loudly about what she planned to tell her daughter for “screwing up yet again.”

And then . . . she remembered a phrase from a coaching workshop series she was attending as a leader at work: Breakdowns can lead to breakthroughs… She stopped ranting long enough to pause. And hear herself talk . . . and wonder what had gone wrong. And pull over to the side of the road for a minute to settle her breathing. And shed tears as she recognized in that moment the pain she felt in her sense of separation from her daughter. And vow to herself to find a path to a breakthrough starting that night.

And so . . . after she signed the papers at the police station, she began the “long” drive home — with her daughter sitting sullenly in the back seat refusing to engage. In the awkward silence that ensued, the mother finally opened her mouth to speak. The daughter instantly geared up to protest, anticipating yet another big fight, but was stunned to hear her mother say, “It must be hard to be 16 these days. I would like to hear what it is like for you when you’re ready.” And from that pause, the deep listening began . . .

The mother went on to be one of the best coaches in our program for her federal agency, sparked in large part by her own experience that night. She learned that listening is not half of a transaction but rather the whole of an incubation. Rather than perpetuating the same old story with her daughter, she paused long enough to create the space for a different story to become possible. Somewhere within any breakdown are the seeds of a breakthrough waiting to be born. Is that not what coaching is all about?